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My Guardian Angel

63030_107339672661951_1058684_nSome people know the 5th of November a day in the year. Others know it as a day a man was discovered trying to make a political statement by blowing up Parliament buildings. Some know it as a part in the movie V for Vendetta. Regardless what anyone discerns about the fifth of November, it was a historical event and had a poem written about it. You may have heard the poem;

 

Remember, remember the Fifth of November,

the Gunpowder Treason and Plot,

I see no reason why Gunpowder Treason should ever be forgot.

Guy Fawkes, t’was his intent to blow up King and Parliament.

Three score barrels were laid below to prove old England’s overthrow;

By God’s mercy he was catch’d with a dark lantern and lighted match.

Holloa boys, holloa boys, let the bells ring.

Holloa boys, holloa boys, God save the King!

 

My name is Melissa Shier.

It was my first year in High School and I was going to Banting. The first day, in my first class, I met Hayley Halbot. We became really close. Lots of stuff happened in grade 9. It was a blast; I got good marks, I was just an innocent child then who followed the rules and went to class.

One day I found myself at Hayley’s with her and Desire from my Spanish class. Hayley’s friend Nick was there too, he was pretty shy but I thought he was so cute. Hazel eyes, brown curly hair and the most beautiful smile. I’m sure you know those smiles that betray a pure heart.

63360_105215866207665_3799960_nThe next year was grade ten. It went by just as quickly; crazy stuff happened, and a few months towards the end of school I met Nick again. We had each other on Facebook from when we met in grade nine. On May 3rd of 2010, he said “hey” to me. We started talking and shortly after, I went over to his house to hang out and get to know him. I fell in love with him. I’ve cried so many times remembering. He started by saying he wanted to me to be his girlfriend but didn’t know how to ask. I said I wanted to get to know him more first but I went to his house again the next night and ended up telling him that I did want to be his girlfriend. He was my first serious boyfriend.

What mattered a lot to me was the fact that he smoked so much weed and cigarettes. He had promised to stop and I found out he was lying about quitting more than once. He knew I didn’t want to be with someone who smokes or who lies to me about things. I broke up with him four months later because his smoking still hadn’t stopped. I was mostly just worried about his health because he would cough so much.

Nick tried desperately to get back together with me from the day we split to the day he gave up. When his parents wouldn’t drive him to my house, he walked, from Cookstown to Hockley Valley. I was lead to believe that the walk was over nine hours. He tried to prove his love for me, but he didn’t need to prove that. There was so much misunderstanding, and he couldn’t give me space or time. Two months later, Nick hung himself. The day he did it, he texted me and said “I can’t keep doing this to you.”

Every day that I can avoid thinking of him is a regular day. The simple truth is still that it hurts me. Nick was my best friend, and the world won’t ever be the same for me. The pain will only recede to later resurface; it isn’t something that will go away for good. It’s a burden that weighs down my heart, though in other aspects has made me stronger and wiser. It’s not an experience that I am proud of, but now I can handle almost anything that comes my way with logic I should never have hoped to grasp. The experiences lead me to acquiring an even greater appreciation for each individual life.

 

10 Responses to “My Guardian Angel”

  1. Laurie says:

    Hi Melissa,

    I think you did what you had to do to be true to yourself and I think you are very wise in the lessons you are taking from this experience as tragic as it is. To me being true to yourself is one of the most important things we can do.

  2. Lynne says:

    This is a very sad story but I hope you are not blaming yourself for this. Nobody knows God’s ways or why people do what they do. If he was smoking that much pot, he no doubt had other troubles that were affecting his behaviour. You must not dwell on this and get back to your life. It was not your intention to hurt him. Take care of yourself and make certain you have a good support system.’

    Blessings
    Lynne

  3. Melissa Shier says:

    Thanks for the comments, I know now that it wasn’t my fault but it took me a while to realise. I also moved houses so my support is better where I am now, because I do need that.

  4. Adele Rosenbloom says:

    Melissa,
    Your story is one of GREAT COURAGE and a testament to how strong YOU are as a young woman. I have worked in the mental health field for over 30 years and have been witness to a lot of despair and deep sadness, including people who chose to take their own lives. YOU are strong, courageous and very wise (beyond your years). This was NOT your fault. I hope that you know that deep within your heart. It is NOT about you.
    You are a survivor!! I hope that you can surround yourself with people who love you and support you…People who bring you joy and healing energy and give you all that you need.
    I am touched and honored that you shared your story and want to thank you for doing so. That, in itself, took tremendous strength and courage on your part. I am sending you big hugs, lots of love, pure light and healing energy. I look forward to reading more of your story….You express yourself beautifully.
    Melissa, stay strong and create a life for yourself that brings you joy and wisdom and happiness. You deserve that and so much more.
    Adele

  5. Lizzie Shanks says:

    Hi Melissa,
    So very sad, what you’ve gone through at so young an age. My heart bleeds for you. That being said, Nick’s choices were his own – we are all very powerful in this life, and although pain seems unavoidable, how we decide to BE while walking through it, is where our power lies. The sad part is that he didn’t know this. The drugs and his fragile mental health would have impeded him from grasping this, even if he’d be shown the way.
    I’ve worked with suicidal teens in the past, and a common theme in their suffering is that they don’t know how to alleviate it, or think their way through to the other side of it. They either know that they will hurt those that love them, which can oddly, balance some of the imbalance of pain in their irrational mind, or they may be completely unaware of the affect their death will have on loved ones because they are completely unaware that they have any power in anything.
    You were right to stand your ground with him, so don’t feel guilty about that. You refused to enable him to continue to abuse himself and lie to you, which is to the detriment of any healthy relationship. We can’t control how others decide to play out the hand they’re dealt, but kudos to you for reaching out for the love and support you need, keeping your boundaries firm, and your heart soft for all relationships in the future. Don’t allow this sad event to colour how you love again, but let it be used for goodness in your world, that will unfold only for you to see.
    love,
    Lizzie

  6. gabrielle says:

    Dear Melissa, thank you for sharing your story. I was very moved by your experience. I think it was very important that you followed what felt right for you, even though you loved Nick. You were trying to do the best for yourself, and to help him as well. Nick knew that, and he knew that you loved him too. You were a very important person in his life, and your love for him meant a lot to him. Although he didn’t live to experience more, you gave him something very special Melissa, something that he needed very much. Have that with you as you go through life, and know that the importance of love is not determined by time or by events, but by the giving of it.

    A huge hug to you from me!
    Gabrielle 🙂

  7. Jackie says:

    Dear Melissa, so very sorry to hear about what you have gone through and so very sorry to hear of the loss of Nick, the boy you fell in love with. My heart goes out to you. It took a lot of strength and courage for you to share your story with us. Thank you. As everyone has said and I hope you understand, you are NOT to blame for Nick’s decision, so please do NOT blame yourself. Continue to love in your life, with the strength and honesty and friendship you were showing Nick. You say this has made you wiser and stronger in some ways, which I believe, but you were already very wise to know at your age, what you wanted from a relationship and considering this was your first serious boyfriend, you must have already put a lot of thought into this and you have a lot of integrity to know how to be true to yourself and what you wanted and needed in a relationship, at your young age. That sometimes takes people years to figure out how to be true to themselves, how to know to follow their heart and soul. You have so much INNER STRENGTH to have known this at your age. And I understand this. You describe Nick as shy, with a nice smile, smoking too much pot and cigarettes, wanting to ask you to be his girlfriend, but didn’t know how to ask you and then ultimately saying “I can’t keep doing this to you.” Nick already had his own troubles Melissa, and unfortunately he could only see from his own inner perspective at the time, from whatever confusion was within him at his young age. You were a friend for him, you tried to show him what would have been a healthier choice for him, but he couldn’t see it. And you have to know that his choice had NOTHING to do with you. It’s unfortunate and a sad loss of a human soul, that he made this choice, but I believe also that when he made that decision, he did not think about how he would be hurting you or anyone else who loved or cared about him. He was in HIS world and HIS mind, we can’t know fully what was going on in his head or heart at the time. I believe this is why you now know that you have a greater understanding and appreciation of each individual life as you said. This can be taken as a gift to you, from this occurrence in your life, you could say, a gift to you from Nick. Us this understanding that you have gained about others, as you go forward and make decisions about what you want to do or accomplish in your life now. This was not your fault and I know you’ve said how you’ve cried so much and you hurt so much and it recedes only to resurface again. The pain is likely so unbearable for you that you cry as much as you can and then push down the feelings to try and stop the pain again. If you can allow yourself the healing tears, let yourself feel deeply what you need to feel, the more deeply you allow yourself to feel that hurt and pain, as much as you will cry, well eventually it will stop resurfacing because you will no longer be pushing it down inside you, you will be letting it out. Of course you need to do this in your own time and space where you feel comfortable giving yourself this kind of healing. I truly want for your heart and soul to heal from this painful experience. No you won’t forget this ever, but you can move forward and heal and love again. And I do hope that as Lizzie stated above that you will love just as kindly, and courageously and lovingly as you showed Nick. You are a strong, brave young woman and this will be a part of what shapes you as a human being. Healing yourself, being kind to yourself, loving yourself will add to the already amazing person you are. My heart and love go out to you Melissa. I wish you peace, love and joy as you move through this.
    Jackie

  8. Melissa Shier says:

    Thanks to everyone, really great comments. I’ve gotten to the point now where I rarely think about him because I know it’ll make me cry and there’s no point in crying since I can’t do anything about what happenned. I’ll always love him though and we do have amazing memories, they’re just too painful to remember. I can’t really remember them happily because I’d rather he was here. Honestly he was the best relationship I’ve ever had and I miss him so much.

  9. Dear Melissa

    You are wise beyond your years. You teach others as you share this deeply poignant memoir.

    Last summer an author, Robert Schwartz, sent me his latest book titled:
    Your Soul’s Gift/The Healing Power of the Life You Planned Before You Were Born.

    One day perhaps you’ll come across this title and look into the table of contents…his chapter on suicide is evolutionary.

    Even though he is now beyond the physical Nick is fortunate to have you as his loving friend…writing and sharing this difficult story helps you, helps those of us who read your words open our hearts with compassion and helps Nick move forward on his soul’s journey.

    Metta
    d

  10. Melissa Shier says:

    He deserves to be remembered because he was an amazing person, and it’s a horrific story for anyone who knows him. Especially since he was so young, he was 18 at the time, which is how old I am now. I completely understand him though which is why this was so hard for me. A lot of people actually said “There’s no way Nick would do this.” and I just thought to myself, nobody actually knew Nick like I did except for maybe his family and that’s still a maybe. The reason for that is, Nick and I are so similar.. And I also have the suicide feelings and thoughts. I just have a stronger willpower and belief in myself than he did, because of my intelligence and logic over my depression. His depression was stronger than his intelect and it is so damn sad that Nick’s life was taken because of the world we live in today and his overwhelmance by it. He thought that I was the only good thing in his life, and I broke up with him, broke his heart and left him alone. And I know how he felt because ONCE HE WAS GONE, I felt the exact same way, and I clung to life because it was the only thing that I could do. I couldn’t kill myself because no matter how hurt I will ever be I can’t physically bring myself to do it. Struggling between wanting to kill yourself, hating life, feeling alone and like you’ve lost the best thing in your whole world, it’s like nothing else. I’m not sure how many people in the world experience it. But life is still worth fighting for, every day may not be worth it but the majority of days will be if you believe in yourself. Believing in yourself is not a one day process. It takes over a year, when you’re at the point where I was. Being strong is key.

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